stream of consciousness

i made a youtube video today. when i was making it, i was excited because my voice was really deep when i was recording. but then i hit play. it was so much higher than i thought, to say the least. honestly, thats a pretty crushing experience.

i thought i was going to want to write more about this, but i dont.

on my earlier post...
...i think it comes down to either overcoming GID, or living with it.

part of me wants to just say fuck you, this is me, i know who i am, i live with myself every day, i think i've got it. but then the other part says well...i cant look at this objectively. i'm obviously very involved and invested in many ways, making it nearly impossible to be objective. at the same time, so are they.

ugh.

does it even matter what's "true"? i'm afraid that if what i believe to be true isn't, in reality, that i will regret everything (hormones/surgery). the logical thing to do is to wait and not get on hormones or plan for surgery yet to see how things play out a bit. but even if i wait,...what if im not actually trans and its just a coping mechanism...will i be able to accept that? or have i boxed myself into this tiny space that i don't really fit into so i won't be able to accept anything else?

this is what i do know
1. even when the one person i let call me "she" does so, it makes my skin crawl and my stomach drops out. i didn't correct that person initially because i wasnt out to them at the time and i really wanted things to work...but i didnt say anything because i was afraid of being rejected by someone who i've always felt comfortable with, which would crush me. at this point, i havent asked them to change because of this current debate and i know that the pronouns and the name is really important to them. as they said "i don't know taylor, i know haley".

2. i'm comfortable. i'm comfortable despite all of the dysphoria and everything that comes with it. yes, i do have bad days. don't you?

3. i really want to have EVERYONE refer to me with the correct name and male pronouns.



i'm cutting this short...maybe i'll edit it later, but life is calling.